Confusing Myself

I have discovered while blogging that if I write at a certain tempo with a certain “I want you to get this” feeling, then I tend to get this annoyed feeling inside me and if I do then I tend to rant. That’s not good.

I was writing earlier, this very blog that I’m redoing now, and I was ranting. I was in a very unusual mood to be me – which is annoyed and in a sense of not understanding. I was, mind-stressed, as I refer to it.

Here’s a brief example of that:

I just find it strange at times that I shouldn’t try and understand or shouldn’t try and see how to change things – instead I should just forget it and be happy. To me, that sounds a little like “be stupid and be happy!” Trouble is, being stupid wouldn’t make me very happy, as my intelligence makes me feel good.

Understanding something, sends pleasure through me, I feel very good about it – I sense this connection within myself lighting up with excitement. But if I don’t talk to myself about ideas good or bad, troubles or happiness then I won’t get those emotions because there will be nothing to understand in that sense.

Then, I sat frowning at myself because the back of my mind was trying to answer me and I couldn’t quite hear it. Coincidentally I had to go pee, and while in the bathroom a thought struck me: “What am I doing? Where’s the calm, collected, sensible and rational me?”

I wondered briefly to myself how long it had been since I last ate, I couldn’t really work it out but I went into the kitchen and got myself an ice-cream. That instantly perked me up. I felt better, happier and clam. I then realised I was hungry and started talking to myself (I do this a lot).

During this self narrative, I understood what was bothering me. I saw that in my arguments I was already feeling bad and that had I simply settled down and relaxed instead of shovelling more words out to explain myself, I would have been fine. If i hadn’t been stomping round my mind and just sat back a bit, then I would have been able to look up and go “Oh, well that’s not any trouble at all is it, what was I on about?”

In an odd twist of irony I ended up burning my food because I was blogging, in the future I will have to make sure to fix food first – then blog. I actually thought this kind of thing would have stopped happening years ago, but split attention does happen from time to time. I’d say my mind ran away with me.

Have I begun blogging, just for the blogging, instead of actually having something to say? It’s starting to feel like it.

Today has felt somewhat off to me. I can’t pin point why, but that’s the general feeling I’m having at the moment. I think I shall go shower and see what my mind and emotions think of that. Perhaps I will relax more, become tired and go to sleep. Or perhaps I will actually have something to say.

(After the shower)

Well it’s actually quite a bit after the shower, but it hardly matters. I took some time today to read my little pet’s blog, something I really should have done everyday really. Still it felt a bit interfering, a strange sentiment from n owner perhaps, but I’m not exactly like most owners.

For instance when I burned my sandwiches, great food, I had to cut the blackened crust off in order to get them even slightly eatable. I wouldn’t normally have done so, but we were out of ham and bread – not really a big choice. There were some pizza slices left. I make my own freezeable home pizza. Anyway, as I looked at the mess I had created in the otherwise rather immaculate kitchen I felt as though I should apologize to Sanna.

Not so much for the mess I created, that’s part of making food. No the mess reminded me off my emotions and how centred I was on annoyance. I can’t really apologize to myself and apologizing to Sanna feels to me as something that would be profound for me. Especially given that I’m the owner and she’s the slave.

Apologizing to your slave sends a rather distinct emotional reaction to your mind, I find it clears my mind and I learn more efficiently from the mistake. Perhaps that’s weird, but really it makes it more substantial to me and the reaction I get from Sanna really brings it home for me. She always looks as though I shouldn’t be apologising, because I’m the owner. I don’t like the automatics of that. AS her owner it is my responsibility to lead with a certain level of example.

Now, to some that might seem odd. Not to me. I did teach Sanna how to clean by example. I sat her in the corner of an empty room and showed her how to do it. I don’t think she’ll ever forget that, she hated sitting there feeling as though I was serving her, it made her whine and twitch.

It’s actually the most powerful thing I can do, clean. She hates it. She hates when I get involved with the housework, that’s her job. I have been known to threaten her with that I would call her mistress and clean the kitchen, while forcing her to sit on a chair and eat chocolate. She’s quite terrified of that image. I don’t use it often. Actually, I haven’t used it in months, now that I think of it.

Getting back to reading Sanna’s blog. Seeing her ideas and how her mind works, put in black and white script, I understand far more clearly just how far my little pet has come. I’m quite proud of her progress. I think the “A Brief History” posts of mine, jogged her to really pay attention.

Sadly though, we have again ended up sleeping around each other. It’s something which Abraham and Seth explain by that we’re not on the same frequency. We miss each other, by literally being awake when the other sleeps. This is mainly my fault. It is my turn to be down without a cause. Though the cause seems rather obvious, when I look at what I do doing the day, what I listen to, what I watch.

I have turned from my usual happy calmness into a mind-stressed bore. I have a clear idea why, and I can feel the difference already. I am becoming my old happy self again – hopefully, Sanna will remain her good natured self and not slip, because I did. Time will tell. I’m going to try and stay up for as long as I can today, hopefully I will be able to set my sleeping hours right again.

I have decided to gift my can of Pringles to my pet because she’s been doing so good this last week. That might seem like smallish to some, but really Sanna loves Pringles, in fact she’ll beg for them like a cute little puppy - even bark.